I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize