Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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