i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
