Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I look better un-naked...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
