Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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