It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
