if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
