I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
