I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
