Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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