she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
