Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don't deserve a penis
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
