Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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