I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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