no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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