these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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