I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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