6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
a search helicopter?!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
