you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
