he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
