this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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