Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
