first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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