I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize