I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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