I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
