I think I won the penis lottery.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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