oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the day after is always just damage control
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
