forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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