There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
