That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
