for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
