All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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