just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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