There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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