Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize