I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
