So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
