did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
