Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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