I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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