took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize