butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
