I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
