i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
