Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
