Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
