I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
