I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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