I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We need a shit load of segways right now
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
