We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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