it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
