well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
