we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
