he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's shark week go big or go home
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
