omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize