cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
