Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
