she looked like the before picture.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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