Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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