Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
