Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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