thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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