see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
